Sunday, December 28, 2014

One of those days

Today is one of those days where I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week or so. It'll pass, nothing is forever.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Merry christmas

As I was wrapping the last christmas gifts Damien came and wanted to help, when I told him no he tried to hide in a box spying on me ^-^ Merry christmas to you all! 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

09:43

Hey guys. I've been busy lately, running to the doctor, the dentist and working. And playing some World of Warcraft, HE HE. Yesterday I went to see my best friend and her boyfriend, they cooked me dinner! It was really nice, I'm terrible at eating when I'm home alone. It usually ends up with sandwiches, cereal or anything else that goes really fast.

Anyways, I got a schedule of work all through december and january so that feels great! Nice to know that I have work and to know when I'll be working. That's one of the cons of working as a temp, to never know when I'll be called in, it stresses me out. But that's a price I'm willing to take for having a job.

Now I'm gonna watch the new episode of Pretty little liars and then play some WoW before work, lääjtöör!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Gamer problems


I just logged on to play a little before bed, it hasn't been queue for days and now there is. 
True gamer problem.. haha. 

Epidemic

New Years Day is one of my favorite bands at the moment, and the new release of their album is great! Here's my favorite song so far.

Winter design

I changed my design a bit, usually I don't care for different seasons when it comes to my design but this year I wanted something winterish. The header is temporary though, I used a superold picture of myself cause I didn't have any good new ones that would fit with what I had in mind. I'll have to take one!

Do you guys change your design depending on the season?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Feeling kinda grown-up

This might seem silly, but I replanted my first plant yesterday and I felt kinda grown-up!
It's a beautiful aloe vera plant that Marcus and I got from his sister and her husband.

ALSO, Marcus and I had our 3 year anniversary yesterday ♥

Friday, November 28, 2014

Movienight

Some friends called and came over for a spontaneous movienight ^-^
I hope the rest of you are having a good weekend!

Christmas shopping, dentist and cleaning.

Hello! I slept like shit tonight, and had to get up early for the dentist.. NOT FUN. After I was done I went to work to leave my time sheet so I get some money next month, whoop whoop.

Yesterday was my last lecture, it was an interesting one and I'm glad I went to these lectures. I have learned so so much and it helps me to understand this and how I can do to make it better/easier for myself.

I also went christmas shopping..HE HE. Went a little bit crazy but it's worth it. I like giving gifts. I got one for Marcus that he'll get later today when he gets home, I think he'll need it earlier than christmas so. I have two others that he'll get on christmas though so that's cool!

Now I'm going to clean the apartment, it looks like shit here..haha.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Dracula untold

I got called in for work tonight, so when I came home Marcus and I watched Dracula Untold. If you have considered watching it, DO IT. If you haven't heard of it or didn't really feel like watching it, WATCH IT!

I can honestly say that this is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. It is well done, got a good story, it is a great movie. It is freaking awesome and hella cool! You should ALL watch it. that's all I have to say.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another lecture

I went to another lecture today, we talked about treatment other than medication, KBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and how to try and acknowledge when things are going up or down. To learn what symptoms are early and ways to try and change it before it before the state goes any further.

This lecture was harder for me than the other ones I've been to so far, getting to know what I need to do and should do, which then triggers me to think that I need to make it perfectly and right away, and when I fail to do so I get disappointed in myself.

On the other hand I'm scared of changes, it's "comfortable" being where I am and what I'm used to. I'm also scared that if I share my "to-do-list" with my family or Marcus they'll start expecting things from me (even though what I think they expect is probably not what they expect at all) and in fear of disappointing them too I just shut down. It feels easier not to try than to try, fail and disappoint.

I know that my expectations of myself are ridiculously high and that I should put more achievable goals for myself but I can't seem to do it. It's like I know that I'm doing it and it's no good, but then I get mad at myself for being "lazy" and "why shouldn't I be able to do that". So I put those high standards after all, fail to reach them in the time I expected of myself and then get disappointed and angry with myself all over again.

Can't touch this - Star wars

Guys, this is too good not to share with you!

Monday, November 17, 2014

Update

A lot have been going on lately. I'm sick and I have been for a week now, it goes up and down and it makes me exhausted. And since I've also been sleeping like crap the last week my body hasn't got much rest.

I'm going to some lectures about bipolar disorder to make it easier for me to understand it, learn to live with it and so on. My doctors are trying to find the right dose of my medication for me, and cause of that I've been giving blood for them to analyze. I also found out that if we find the right dose and everything works out they're going to discharge from the psychiatry. I got confused when they said that since I've been going there for almost ten years so I never thought of a time when I wouldn't have to go there, but I also got very excited!

It's still hard for me to adjust to this "new" me. I've always been one of those who never want to disappoint anyone, always be best. I've put too high standards for myself and every time I didn't reach up to those standards I thought of myself as worthless and a waste of space. It's been like that expression go hard or go home except for the fact that go home was never an option in my eyes.

I need to know my limits, not push myself too hard right away. Be happy about the small victories. Stop feeling bad about saying no, whether it's friends, family or work. I'm doing it for me, I need to take care of myself and for once in my life put myself first. It's going to be hard, I know that, but I will make it. Baby steps.

Mamas little baby boy


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Blabbering

I've been looking online for christmas gifts today, this is one of the few years when I'm actually out on time (before mid-december) Some gifts were easy, I instantly knew that I wanted to get it for him/her and so on. Other were hard though, and I found a lot more gifts than I can afford so that kinda sucks. Well well I hope it turns out good anyway.

Also, I've decided that I want to start training again. Not just walks and runs but weight lifting too. My plan for now is to start with some basic exercises at home first, like sit-ups, squats and so (and walks and eventually runs again too). I would like to get the courage to go to the gym and actually feel comfortable training there even if I'm not alone. That wont happen for another month or two anyway since I need to save up money to afford a membership so I have a lot of time to gain confidence! One thing that I'll think make it easier this time than the last is that for one, they moved the gym closer to where I live so I can walk there in like five minutes, but also the fact that a friend of mine is considering getting a membership too so I might get a gym-buddy! Otherwise I might try to convince my fiance to get a membership so we can go together.. hehe

ANYWAYS, enough blabbering now. I have to go to sleep soon since I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and I don't want to oversleep. So I'm just gonna go watch some big bang theory in bed before I fall asleep. Goodnight!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Saturday, November 1, 2014

15:08

Sunny saturday, or at least it was sunny earlier. Today I'm working, well of course not right now but I've been working 07:00 'til 12:00 and I'll start again 16:00 and work until 21:00.
I like it at my new job, I like the people I'm working with. It's a 10-15 minute walk from home so that's a big plus too.
I'll work the same hours tomorrow so not a very eventful weekend for me but that's okay.

So what about you guys? Are you doing anything fun this weekend?

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hair

Last night I dreamed that I bleached my hair and it turned out to this beautiful brown color with a touch of red. A girl can dream right?

I wish I could bleach my hair and get some fun color but I'm a little bit too impatient when it comes to my hair.. haha. The last two times I bleached it I went overboard and ruined my hair. But maybe some day I'll be patient enough to go through with it.

Speaking of hair, I haven't colored my hair since may I think. My outgrowth is horrible.. haha. But I'm sticking with it for a while, maybe I'll bleach only that and do like a ombre out of it with some fun color in my roots at least. We'll see.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Jaclyn Hill



When it comes to makeup and beauty one of my biggest inspirations is Jaclyn Hill.
She is beautiful, smart and talented but she's also kind and caring. You can tell that she loves what she does and that she really appreciate all of her followers.
You should all check her out! So here's one of her more recent looks:

Monday, October 27, 2014

Disappointed

I ordered a bag from Blue Fox on august 14th, two weeks later I wrote them asking why my order was delayed and they answered saying that they were out of the product but it would come in soon. 

September 29th I emailed them again, asking if they hadn't got the product yet and they answered that they were hoping to get them very soon. 

Today (oktober 27th) I emailed them saying I want my money back, that I'm sick of waiting and having to write them to get any sort of information. I'm very disappointed with this company, I always thought of them to be good. This experience with them made me change my mind completely. I hope I get my money back soon and I will never order from them again. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

19:34

Jag vet inte hur många gånger jag suttit här och skrivit, bara för att radera det sen. Hur jag känner att jag inte kan, inte borde skriva så här. Att jag har inpräntat i mitt huvud att jag inte får skriva eller säga vad jag vill, för att det inte är okej. Det gör mig förbannad att jag hela tiden känner att jag inte får göra min egen röst hörd, att jag måste skämmas när jag gör det. Att jag inte borde skriva om mina sämre dagar, som att låtsas att dom inte finns. Tro mig, dom finns. Alla har bättre och sämre dagar, så är det och det vet man om. Varför är det då så hemskt att tala om det? Om alla ändå vet att det är så. varför får man inte säga det då?

Och hela den här grejen med att man inte ska klaga för att det finns dom som har det mycket sämre. Betyder det då också att man inte får glädjas? För det finns ju dom som har det jävligt mycket bättre. Jag blir så arg när jag tänker på det. Alla säger att vi måste våga säga ifrån mer, stå på och säga hur det är, men ändå när man gör det så är det som att man tystas ner. Självklart finns det undantag där också, det finns det i allting. Men förstår ni min poäng? 

Om vi ska ta ett exempel på något som jag vill men mest troligt inte hade skrivit tidigare så har vi idag:
Jag sov som skit, vaknade upp och fick stressa iväg till jobbet. Jag kan hantera viss stress, men det betyder ju inte att jag inte tycker att det är jobbigt. Dagen flöt på och det blev bättre och slutet av jobbdagen kändes det riktigt bra, jag var på topp med hela världen vid mina fötter. Sen på bara minuter så föll jag som en sten, allt blev skit och kändes hopplöst. Nu några timmar efter det så känns livet okej igen, inte bra men inte heller dåligt, bara okej. 

Jag tycker inte om hur mitt mående kan svänga på det här viset, men nu är det så och jag håller på att lära mig att leva med det. Jag vet ju att vissa saker hjälper till på vägen, som att sova och äta som folk. Men hur lätt är det att fokusera på sånt när man ligger i sängen och aldrig mer vill kliva upp? Eller när man är så på topp och springer fram, då man inte känner hunger eller trötthet så som man borde? Det är inte lätt, men allt jag kan göra är ju att försöka.

Det finns säkert några som inte visste det här, vissa som anade och vissa som faktiskt visste. Och om någon nu blev besviken, tog illa upp osv så är det ganska enkelt.. Jag är så här, och om ni inte kan acceptera det så fine, ni behöver inte det, men jag behöver inte heller er. Vill ni inte läsa mer så sluta då, det här är min blogg och jag får faktiskt skriva precis vad jag vill.

Cause you know that I can't do this on my own

Bring me the horizon have done it again, this new release of theirs is fucking amazing. I love everything about it.


Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I'm down?
Save me from myself
Don't let me drown 

What doesn't destroy you 
Leaves you broken instead 
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Oh god I miss horses

I miss my horse everyday, and I long for the day when I can get a new horse, a new best friend.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Mental illness



Mental illness is a subject close to my heart, mostly because I suffer from it myself but also cause of the fact that so many people doesn't take it seriously. That's why I'm posting this picture, I feel that it's spot on and more people should see this, realize this. Mental illness is not a joke, living with it is hell for the most part, but there are good days too. 

I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for more than 10 years and it isn't until recently they diagnosed me and I for the first time in my life got medication that helps me function while I learn how to handle it. My goal is not to be on medication for the rest of my life, I want to be able to live and be happy without, but it's a long way there and I need them as training wheels until I get there. 

Just cause you can't always see or touch mental illness doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Killing Loneliness

With the venomous kiss you gave me 
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness) 
With the warmth of your arms you saved me, 
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you

Recently HIM found their way back into my heart ♥ I have loved them since the first time I heard them about ten years ago. (omg I'm getting old) 
Now I'm sharing one of my favorite songs by them with you guys!

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Lion King 2


I spent my friday night watching The Lion King 2. 
The first one was my favorite as a kid but I felt like watching the second one today so that's what Damien and I did, all cozy in the sofa. All I could think about was how I miss being a kid, laying on a rug in front of the TV watching Disney movies at my grandma's. Everything was so simple back then.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Best birthday present ever ♥


My family got together and bought me this lovely vanity and mirror, I've been wanting one for quite a while now and I am so so SO thankful that they gave it to me!

I haven't been feeling like doing my makeup all summer cause of the heat and the fact that my makeup have been boxed up and it's been a pain in the ass to get it out and find the things I want and then putting it away again. Also a little bit cause I stopped with my birth control and it made my face break out like crazy, it has not recovered fully yet but it's on its way.

Now I have my makeup all organized and somewhere to sit down and do it and once I get my light bars up it will be absolutely perfect! I want to paint the chair white too, just to make it all match and look even more pretty. Hopefully you'll see a lot more of my makeup looks here in the future!

Monday, September 22, 2014

23:13

I haven't really felt like writing lately, it goes up and down I guess. Kind of like my mood and life.
I spent the weekend at my parents, hanging out with my family and doing laundry. I don't like going to our laundry room here so my mom lets me come and do the laundry at them sometimes. It's very nice of her.

As you might have guessed I'm listening to Amaranthe right now, I'm really liking their new song. Other than that today sucks, this day will always suck. Or at least for a very long time, I hope it gets easier with time. So now I'm off to bed, I'm having visitors tomorrow.

Amaranthe

Saturday, September 13, 2014

1218 km

My sister moved to Malmö recently to study, so she let me buy her bicycle really cheap and I'm so glad I did! It's a lot easier to get out now, I take the bike to the grocery store, to the dentist and so on. I haven't had a bike since I was probably 15, so I was a little rusty at first but that changed pretty quick. It feels like some kind of freedom now, I'm not really sure why but it feels good.

On the other hand, I have not really grasped the fact that she will be living 1218 km away for three years. It doesn't feel real yet, or whatever I should call it. I'm glad she's coming home for christmas though. It wouldn't be the same without her.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Crazy cleaninglady

I slept way too much last night, but as usual I woke up every now and then and had weird ass dreams. When I finally got up I spent some time watching OTH with Damien in my lap. Then after a while I went on this crazy cleaning spree and started fixing all kind of things, it got cleaner but it's kind of messy right now. I ended up sorting things and soon I got too tired to do any more tonight.

I'm planning on getting up earlier tomorrow so I can finish before my friends come here. They're going with me to town, I have a meeting and then we're gonna have dinner before we visit my brother to hang out with him.

I managed to do something I haven't been able to do in a long time today, it's not a big thing to most people but it's a big thing to me and I'm proud that I did it. Baby steps.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Good weekend

Hey guys. What have you been up to lately?
Nothing really exciting has happened in my life recently. I'm more or less just trying to find my way back to myself and who I want to be. I'm having a kind of love hate relationship with my blog right now..haha. But I think I'll keep it, just to write whatever I feel like writing. Screw what others think, I need to put myself first.

Two fun things about this weekend though, it's my best friends birthday on sunday and our friend Stoffe is visiting us again so we'll all hang out eat tacos and watch movies! This will be a good weekend.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Definitions of the word beautiful

I found it interesting to see just how different the definition of beautiful is around the world. The thought of how many different meanings a word can have depending on who's hearing it just amazes me.


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Warlords of Draenor


This new cinematic for WoD is sick! And they've set the date now, November 13th ^-^

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Welcome to the family Damien


Yesterday I bought a cat, this beautiful little guy! My best friend was kind enough to come with me to pick him up, she's amazing. So far everything is going smoothly, he's SO cozy and I LOVE it! 
It all just feels so good, I've been craving an animal in this apartment for so long..haha. 

So now, by request from my mother I'm posting a few pictures of him here!

(And yes, I named him after TVD, just changed up the spelling a little)

Sunday, August 10, 2014

In the end it reminds me of what’s left of us


With these eyes
The stars refuse to shine
We'll be watching them falling
Slowly one by one
And if it rains
We’ll finally slip away
We’ll be watching them falling
Drifting one by one

Friday, August 8, 2014

Fire friday

Today Marcus, Rayne and I went to spend some time with my brother. We were going to hang out, barbecue and so. Rayne and I went by my parents too to visit the animals and such. When we came back we saw this big pillar of smoke down the road so we went to see what it was and it was a truck on fire. The fire truck arrived quickly though and no one got hurt in the accident so that's good :)
Within the hour after the accident the rain started pouring down from the sky, and oh how happy I got. It has been really hot here for weeks and the air has been so heavy to breathe so I felt in desperate need of some rain.

I hope you guys are all well and didn't have quite the friday I had :)
Until next time, seeya!


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The frustrations of a makeupaddict in Sweden

For those of you who know me you know that my biggest interest is makeup, I just love playing around with it, try new stuff and techniques and so on.
I can spend hours looking at videos on youtube for different beauty tips and someday I would like to work with makeup.

So... one of my biggest frustrations is that so many products that I want and that I'm dying to try are not available in Europe, and most of the time where I find them they don't ship to Europe/Sweden. If I could I would just pack up and move to the US, or maybe Canada (to keep Marcus happy)

I really hope that I someday at least can go on vacation there and if I do I hope I've saved up A LOT of money so I can buy everything I want! And yes, my purchases would most likely be at least 90% makeup.

Anyways, I just felt like getting this off my chest and share my frustration with you guys. I hope you're all well and having a wonderful summer!
Until next time, seeya ♥

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

We can trust that we've all felt the same



I was looking for something to drown out the pain. 
But with all the wrong answers it started again. 
I learned on that very day, I just cannot keep running away from myself.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Kitty

Hey guys! Since a few days ago this little cutie has been living with me and my fiance. My friend is her owner but she's working away all summer so we're babysitting her while she's gone ^-^
She is so adorable! Her name is Kenzi ♥