Friday, November 28, 2014

Movienight

Some friends called and came over for a spontaneous movienight ^-^
I hope the rest of you are having a good weekend!

Christmas shopping, dentist and cleaning.

Hello! I slept like shit tonight, and had to get up early for the dentist.. NOT FUN. After I was done I went to work to leave my time sheet so I get some money next month, whoop whoop.

Yesterday was my last lecture, it was an interesting one and I'm glad I went to these lectures. I have learned so so much and it helps me to understand this and how I can do to make it better/easier for myself.

I also went christmas shopping..HE HE. Went a little bit crazy but it's worth it. I like giving gifts. I got one for Marcus that he'll get later today when he gets home, I think he'll need it earlier than christmas so. I have two others that he'll get on christmas though so that's cool!

Now I'm going to clean the apartment, it looks like shit here..haha.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Dracula untold

I got called in for work tonight, so when I came home Marcus and I watched Dracula Untold. If you have considered watching it, DO IT. If you haven't heard of it or didn't really feel like watching it, WATCH IT!

I can honestly say that this is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. It is well done, got a good story, it is a great movie. It is freaking awesome and hella cool! You should ALL watch it. that's all I have to say.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another lecture

I went to another lecture today, we talked about treatment other than medication, KBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and how to try and acknowledge when things are going up or down. To learn what symptoms are early and ways to try and change it before it before the state goes any further.

This lecture was harder for me than the other ones I've been to so far, getting to know what I need to do and should do, which then triggers me to think that I need to make it perfectly and right away, and when I fail to do so I get disappointed in myself.

On the other hand I'm scared of changes, it's "comfortable" being where I am and what I'm used to. I'm also scared that if I share my "to-do-list" with my family or Marcus they'll start expecting things from me (even though what I think they expect is probably not what they expect at all) and in fear of disappointing them too I just shut down. It feels easier not to try than to try, fail and disappoint.

I know that my expectations of myself are ridiculously high and that I should put more achievable goals for myself but I can't seem to do it. It's like I know that I'm doing it and it's no good, but then I get mad at myself for being "lazy" and "why shouldn't I be able to do that". So I put those high standards after all, fail to reach them in the time I expected of myself and then get disappointed and angry with myself all over again.

Can't touch this - Star wars

Guys, this is too good not to share with you!

Monday, November 17, 2014

Update

A lot have been going on lately. I'm sick and I have been for a week now, it goes up and down and it makes me exhausted. And since I've also been sleeping like crap the last week my body hasn't got much rest.

I'm going to some lectures about bipolar disorder to make it easier for me to understand it, learn to live with it and so on. My doctors are trying to find the right dose of my medication for me, and cause of that I've been giving blood for them to analyze. I also found out that if we find the right dose and everything works out they're going to discharge from the psychiatry. I got confused when they said that since I've been going there for almost ten years so I never thought of a time when I wouldn't have to go there, but I also got very excited!

It's still hard for me to adjust to this "new" me. I've always been one of those who never want to disappoint anyone, always be best. I've put too high standards for myself and every time I didn't reach up to those standards I thought of myself as worthless and a waste of space. It's been like that expression go hard or go home except for the fact that go home was never an option in my eyes.

I need to know my limits, not push myself too hard right away. Be happy about the small victories. Stop feeling bad about saying no, whether it's friends, family or work. I'm doing it for me, I need to take care of myself and for once in my life put myself first. It's going to be hard, I know that, but I will make it. Baby steps.

Mamas little baby boy


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Blabbering

I've been looking online for christmas gifts today, this is one of the few years when I'm actually out on time (before mid-december) Some gifts were easy, I instantly knew that I wanted to get it for him/her and so on. Other were hard though, and I found a lot more gifts than I can afford so that kinda sucks. Well well I hope it turns out good anyway.

Also, I've decided that I want to start training again. Not just walks and runs but weight lifting too. My plan for now is to start with some basic exercises at home first, like sit-ups, squats and so (and walks and eventually runs again too). I would like to get the courage to go to the gym and actually feel comfortable training there even if I'm not alone. That wont happen for another month or two anyway since I need to save up money to afford a membership so I have a lot of time to gain confidence! One thing that I'll think make it easier this time than the last is that for one, they moved the gym closer to where I live so I can walk there in like five minutes, but also the fact that a friend of mine is considering getting a membership too so I might get a gym-buddy! Otherwise I might try to convince my fiance to get a membership so we can go together.. hehe

ANYWAYS, enough blabbering now. I have to go to sleep soon since I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and I don't want to oversleep. So I'm just gonna go watch some big bang theory in bed before I fall asleep. Goodnight!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Saturday, November 1, 2014

15:08

Sunny saturday, or at least it was sunny earlier. Today I'm working, well of course not right now but I've been working 07:00 'til 12:00 and I'll start again 16:00 and work until 21:00.
I like it at my new job, I like the people I'm working with. It's a 10-15 minute walk from home so that's a big plus too.
I'll work the same hours tomorrow so not a very eventful weekend for me but that's okay.

So what about you guys? Are you doing anything fun this weekend?