Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another lecture

I went to another lecture today, we talked about treatment other than medication, KBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and how to try and acknowledge when things are going up or down. To learn what symptoms are early and ways to try and change it before it before the state goes any further.

This lecture was harder for me than the other ones I've been to so far, getting to know what I need to do and should do, which then triggers me to think that I need to make it perfectly and right away, and when I fail to do so I get disappointed in myself.

On the other hand I'm scared of changes, it's "comfortable" being where I am and what I'm used to. I'm also scared that if I share my "to-do-list" with my family or Marcus they'll start expecting things from me (even though what I think they expect is probably not what they expect at all) and in fear of disappointing them too I just shut down. It feels easier not to try than to try, fail and disappoint.

I know that my expectations of myself are ridiculously high and that I should put more achievable goals for myself but I can't seem to do it. It's like I know that I'm doing it and it's no good, but then I get mad at myself for being "lazy" and "why shouldn't I be able to do that". So I put those high standards after all, fail to reach them in the time I expected of myself and then get disappointed and angry with myself all over again.

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